Wednesday, November 26, 2014

November 26, 2014

I wonder how I'll look back on it come someday
That time you slipped your hand in mine on the way to the airport and said
"You remind me of every girl who's ever broken my heart"
And I knew you were a clever one
But I still held your hand
And sang loud
And looked at little faces in my mirrors
Somehow it didn't seem like a bad decision at all

And I wonder how I'll feel when the rain comes down and fogs up everything
And I roll the windows down to see
Sixty five and the  drops coming inside
And you laughing

Thursday, November 20, 2014

November 20, 2014

I'm running out of words
Except the ones I choke on every time
All the sick things inside my head
Feel whole and wholesome
In the crook of your shoulder
Words, forever threatening to spill out of my lips or my eyes
And now I can't sleep for a whole different reason
I wake up with words for you dripping from my tongue
From my fingers on to keyboards
Counting days until that tongue can tell your lips, your eyes, your skin
And taste the words between



Thursday, November 13, 2014

Bite

Anticipation of your teeth
Sinking in my skin
I have always been enraptured by the bones of us, the flesh, muscle, and organs that come together to build such magnificent beings
With desires and activity and longing.
But not until you sunk your teeth
Into my trembling thighs
and left your mark
Was I quite so fascinated
With pieces of enamel
Embedded in our jaws
The way we tear flesh from bones and then use them to speak tender words of wanting
Wistful bleeding crimes of passion
I long to slip my tongue along
the lines of your perfect teeth again
I miss the way your lips curl away from them with your wicked childlike grin

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

To be complete

I am both. The answer is simple. I am both a powerhouse of fun and wake up notes, laughter and raunchy sex and rides to the airport- and a scared, sad, somewhat fucked up soul who is afraid to trust myself over anyone else, who is terrified of what happens after you love someone because the last time she did it caused very real, permanent damage.  Both of those people were born of my experiences. Both are honest reflections of how I came to be exactly here.  One I love and and try to encourage, one needs to be loved and pushed to grow and change. And in order to take care of them both, they need someone who doesn't try to separate them. They need someone who isn't afraid to shine a little light in the dark places and say 'that's ok, there is a little monster in there, but we can chase him out'.  And the thing about me that's changed is that I know the monsters are in there, and I'm not running from them. And I finally believe that the whole of me deserves someone else who doesn't run from them.  I don't know if I'll ever come across such a person, but I won't ever settle for someone who thinks I need to hide them. Call me out, correct me, give me a hand, redirect the old energies into something completely new. All of that is ok, but ducking out isn't.  I'm worth figuring it out, and if I'm the only one who thinks so, so be it.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Exhaustion

Running at full intensity all the time IS exhausting.  And I have been, and I am.  I wonder how long it will take before I stop checking my phone every ten seconds.  It's time for me to cut back on my apple dependency anyway, I guess.  I know there won't be anything there, and based on the thorough deleting of me from your media life, I don't have to worry about you reading any of this, which is probably ok, too.  But I think I'll still write you here for a while.  The hardest part is not knowing you anymore.  What you're up to, how you're getting along, what fucking beer you tried recently.  It's hard to know you're out there in the world and I don't get to be a part of it.  But I'm glad you're out there, and I hope that after the heartbreak portion of the adventure subsides, I might someday know you again. It has to be this way now, so I'm not going to fight to keep in touch.  But maybe someday when it hurts a little less, we'll feel differently.   Hell I'll make a stop in LA on a book tour, and I'd be so disappointed not to see my muse when that day comes.  Thank you for October, all the checkmarks, all the kisses, and everything I hope I learned.

I'll try to keep writing the book. I think we deserve to be memorialized in print, even if it's mostly fiction and you might end up killing me.  So much regret over last night.  Maybe I'll write it in, but I've deleted all the texts and Viber, so I'd have to make it up. I'm wondering if I should still send your Christmas present.  It was quite an investment, so I might, just to give you something to remember me by.

I'll wear your soul around my neck forever, I hope you never forget the pieces I took.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Reflect

Don't forget.  Please, don't forget why you started this trip, this adventure, this mad expedition. Don't forget all the things about you that you set out to discover.  Don't forget that you set foot on a dark and undiscovered path as an ode to yourself, your singular, incredible existence. Please don't forget that you opened the door to the absolute  unknown, the black and the cold and the loneliness, for a reason.  The trepidation and the isolation that come and go, they pale in comparison to what lies beneath. Love and adventure and your own fascinating reflection.  Don't forget that the security of knowing what comes next was never enough, and that the wanderlust in your heart is what brought you to this moment. You may find sometimes that the walls seem to be closing in, that you're reaching for a hand that isn't reaching back.  Don't forget in those moments that the dark is a liar and you are the light. Follow yourself.

November 4, 2014

Sometimes you have to do things just to prove to yourself you can.  Quit smoking. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.  Walk away.  The whole point of this adventure, my odyssey, is to do the things I'm afraid of.  And like anyone else, I'm afraid of being left alone, of not being wanted. Of never being enough.  And so it's time do the next thing that's scary. It's time to walk away, accept that I walk my path alone, and embrace the solitude.  The only reason to quit is because what you've found no longer serves you. And it doesn't serve me to hold on. Not this time. It meant more to me, it was my story, my adventure. I have so much more to say and do and see, I'll dive back in alone. I won't hesitate. I'll open my eyes in the dark corners, I'll write the stories and send them back home.  I'll keep looking for home. I'll go by myself. I'll cross paths with amazing people who change me forever, and when their chapter is through, I'll walk alone again.  I am not afraid.

Monday, November 3, 2014

I Still Hate Winter

Listen, I can appreciate the opportunity to don my grandpas flannel shirt and my favorite combat boots, light the fireplace, and snuggle under blanket during the chill of fall….for about five minutes.  Changing seasons aren't much more than a novelty.  Snow is pretty, oh yes, but it's fucking cold and wet and UNPLEASANT.  I don't want to put chains on my tires and have the piss crawl back up inside me when my feet touch the floor to use the bathroom at night.  I hate wearing sleeves, I hate wearing pants, and I especially hate having to wear pants inside my own house. As I sit here on November second wearing fleece lined tights under my jeans, I'm disgusted with my location. Forty degrees is inhuman.  For almost ten years I've felt like I had finally found my 'home'. I do love Fort Worth.  A place to settle, to raise my kids in comfort, with a community. But restlessness has crept in, it always does.  I can't pick up and move every time my lease is up like I did before I had kids.  And good fuck, I HATE the act of packing up and moving.  But give me a place where the days are warm and the nights are cool and the sunshine is endless.  Preferably within sight of a very large body of water.  Near the equator?  Fuck your pumpkin spice and all your scarves and fuzzy boots.  I only want to layer my clothes because I like them that way.  I never want to learn where the pilot light is on my heater.  I want to stay barefoot as much as humanly possible, and I want to drink my drinks on sunny patios year round.  And most of all, I don't want to be tied to any one idea, place, or thing for any reason other than it being what I want.  At least I've grown to be in touch with my own selfishness.

November 3, 2014

Bukowski didn't start writing until he was 35.

I am not going to write to make money. Of course I hope that's part of the deal, but as means to an end, I want to write so that I can travel. The words finance the adventures.  And as a matter of course, all the travel and experiences it brings with it will give me more to write about.  That's a self perpetuating trend I can deal with.

Of course I should be writing! My mind is endlessly streaming at the speed of light. The thoughts and words and ideas don't turn off even when I'm asleep.  All the people I know are so tired of hearing my stream of consciousness, the way I work out every problem in conversation.  for gods sake I am constantly having conversations with people who aren't even present. It only seems fitting that I put all those words to use and use them to get where I want to be.  I'm much better on paper! And you can always choose to put the book down and go to sleep.

But I've decided. I've committed.  I am not going to grow up, I'm going to be a writer.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

November 1, again.

I'm going to say i'm going to say that I love you. And I'm not saying it in a way that anyone else to has said it to you before, not like I own you, not like you're mine, not like I need to have you every day. But you have opened me up in ways that I have been waiting to be opened my entire life. You are an unforgettable incredible amazing thing that is happened in my life and has changed me so much for the better. Because of the way you see me I can finally see myself and I want you to see yourself too. And right now you can't see yourself because of me so we do the next best thing. we do the next right thing. you work on you.  I am going to see you again someday, maybe not in the same way, maybe not for a long, long time. But I will because you're a part of me now and I'm a part of you. Thank you for all the checkmarks, all the firsts, all the roller coasters. Thank you for eye contact, thank you for LA, thank you for kissing me when I was afraid to be kissed.  Thank you for explosions, thank you for patience, thank you for vulnerability.  I've read this quote 1 million times that says the whole point of a relationship is to set your partner free. I hope that by taking less of you, and less of your time, something about what we're doing here helps to set you free.

November 1, 2014

How fitting that I've reclaimed October, and on November 1st, you're gone.
You just ended your relationship with me via text message.  I knew a time would come where you did the 'I can't do this' thing.  I'm surprised that I'm not devastated and crushed in the way I felt I would be. Of course I miss you terribly, but I already missed you terribly.  However you find your way, you have to do that on your own, and if having me in your life is draining your motivation to do that, then you did the right thing today.  I'm still amazed that I found you. I'm still so thankful for everything that has happened and all of the news ways I can see life because I met you. You were worth the risk, worth the heartache. Not trading words with you every day will take some getting used to. But we share the same space, we move under the same stars, and I know that you're real.  So for now, that will have to be enough.