Wednesday, January 21, 2015

January 21, 2015

I woke up early this morning and brushed my teeth
there was blood on my toothbrush and pumping through my heart
I slept on my couch for four months last year
and then I went into my room and harvested all the traces of my old life

I bagged up all the empty beers I never drank
and all the clothes that weren't mine
I got a bed, and I slept in it
and I brought you into it
through sheer force of will I created the space you fit into

I'm not afraid of change
it just scares the hell out of me

I dropped a bag of licorice tea into a travel mug
I dressed in black
I painted my face and noticed the upturned corners of my mouth
and I walk out into a day that looks like any other
mundane and absolutely unknown

Saturday, January 17, 2015

January 17, 2015

Solitude caroms through the cavernous spaces 
Even in the presence of those I made
I'm not different than you
Seeking shelter 
Missing a home that disintegrated in my hands
My heart, my feelings, my
Skin, my bones break just like
 Yours

Thursday, January 15, 2015

January 15, 2015

Not for the faint of heart,
I will confront everything 
Myself, my flaws, your tactics 
The injustice in the world, 
And fear, fear, fear. 
I will analyze and I will try and I will make
Mistakes every step of the way
I will love you relentlessly 
I will cry for every single soul lost 
It will hurt to be with me
If I'm lucky, it will hurt more to be without me. 
But I cannot stop
Cannot be anyone else
This simple singular life
This flash
This blink of distilled souls
It belongs to those who share it
And not because I am great,
But because this life is greater than the lot of us
You will have to be exceptional to bare it with me. 
You will have to confront everything 
Yourself, your flaws, my tactics
And fear, fear, fear. 
Death is mercilessly at the doorstep, always
There is never, ever, a moment to lose
We must get on with fire and passion and never wallow in the inevitability of loss. 
And so likely I cannot keep
 that which I so desire. 
But we must get on with fire and passion
And you're invited for the burn. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

January, 14, 2015

My words aren't cooperating. 
But I can remember the planes of your face
 and the way you shifted in the fuzzy warmth
and I could see the wolf in you
sharp, detached, and hunting for something
And I am always afraid and not afraid with you,
 walking into fear with wide eyes
 I wonder if I've been wrong all along
If motivation can be external
because of the way you move a brush
and tell a story
and I can feel the disappointment in your years
and I hope somewhere inside me is something 
that doesn't disappoint, and that one of us will see it

Thursday, January 1, 2015

January 1, 2015

Sitting in my bedroom right now, 
so my daughter won't ask why I'm crying 
So I won't have to tell her that 
another beloved friend has died 
of the same thing her little brother has
One fucked up little mutation that steals love left and right 
And it happens all the time

And every single time 
it reminds me, desperately
Don't waste one second. 
Don't let yourself be crushed by the mundane 
tragedies of the every day 
Give yourself to bigger things 
Allow yourself to fly and to be broken, 
Take some crash landings 
Don't be afraid to try again 
Don't be afraid to cry and to take on great adventures 
Make sure you love as much as you can
Don't be afraid to do things because someone else can't 
do them so those who can't still know they're possible. 

The weight of these tears is immense. 
Two little boys left with no mother, 
and I spent my morning stressed about....moths.